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Over the years I became acquainted with alcohol en illicit substances. The first thing I tried were the cigarettes I found in my mother’s linnen closet. I knicked a box and tried smoking them with a friend who later joined the military. I hated it. I coughed and the taste was bitter and far from pleasant.

When I was about 13 I started drinking my first beverages. First it was the lemonade-like cans but soon after I learned to enjoy beer. Me and some guys from high school stopped at a supermarket on the way home and because I was taller and looked older I usually managed to trick the clerks at the supermarket. So I provided beers for the crew. It felt very illegal and exciting. I didn’t like beer much at first but eventually I learned to appreciate the taste. I even laced an orange juice with vodka from Russia and slipped it to a friend, it seemed funny at the time but now it weighs on my conscience.

I didn’t start smoking for real until I was about 16. A friend who was a smoker, I dubbed him Lancelot, introduced me to “Lucky Strikes,” a brand soldiers used to smoke during WWII. Soon after I smoked a pack a day in my attic room or during lunch breaks at school.

When I was 17 I was introduced to marihuana, again by Lancelot. There was a fair and he knew a guy, a drugsdealer. He provided us with some marihuana. Immediately I had paranoid delusions, every car I saw turned in to a police car and I was sure that I was about to get busted. At age 18 I started go to the coffeeshop regularly with money stolen from my mother, superpolm hasjish made my body relax and I enjoyed the effects. My friends at the time sometimes consumed marihuana as well. One time I pulled a prank on my mates together with a friend by adding pubic hair to a reefer.

At age 19 I became friends with a Polish man by the name of Dawid. We started hanging out, used lots of marihuana together, and New Year’s Eve he introduced me to XTC. Through him I met some local guys, I was offered heroine but declined but I did use some other illicit substances. It’s all a bit of a blur. But I think I used speed and cocaine at that time.

Unfortunately, my mental health took a turn for the worst and during a psychotic episode I jumped at some police officers armed with two knives. I survived three bullets and that’s the closest to death I’ve ever been apart from that time I cycled down a French mountain and got a flat. I must admit, until then I wasn’t much of a religious man. I was investigating the occult online, such as the infamous Angel of Death. Perhaps it possessed me. I don’t have any other explanation. I had to appear before a judge and I distinctly remember that there was a carving of Jesus Christ on the wall. It seemed extremely realistic and lifelike. Perhaps a prisoner made it but it could have been a vision, a miracle. I knelt down and quickly said a few words. The judge was kind in the end. The incident is not on my criminal record and I received therapy.

Recently I moved in with the woman I now call wife. I wasn’t done with drugs yet and in the recent past I have used XTC, speed, crack-cocaine, LSD, 3MMC, truffles, shrooms, and something called ketamine (sometimes used for therapy). I’m still a rookie when it comes to drugs but I’ve tasted and seen what mind-altering drugs can do to your thinking and body.

In South-America the government is trying to restrict the influx of drugs because sales are controlled by violent gangs. Good citizens suffer under the string of attacks. The city I live, Utrecht, has a crack-cocaine epidemic. There are users around every corner. All I know is this, alcohol and drug use often leads to violence and poverty. If I want a career, a steady home, relationships with friends and family, I’ll have to quit difficult that may be. It’s a tough decision and the Devil is always trying to pull me back in whenever I want to divorce alcohol and drugs. I pray to Jesus Christ for wisdom, protection, and clarity. And that’s really all I have. Christians are adamant, no heavy drinking, no drug use. That’s always been the policy of the Church and looking at how alcohol and drug use disrupted my career, marriage, and relationships I see the point.

Currently I find myself in a rehab facility with a level 3 security level. That means guards and checkpoints everywhere, regular urine checks, lots of regulations concerning furlough, and sometimes a dog that comes sniffing the spacious room for drugs.

I am allowed to have a laptop and internet connection and use it to talk to friends and relatives and browse the web. I’m trying to fix broken relationships especially with Christmas around the corner. Sometimes I suffer self-inflicted drug induced psychotic episodes. Often I combine several kind of drugs referred to as polydrug use with unpredictable results. Right now I haven’t used marihuana for almost a year. Twice I managed to get out for ketamine and alcohol use but got picked up by the police and was sanctioned.

Two years ago I got married but it’s not a healthy marriage and twice I became black-out drunk and violent and had to appear before a judge concerning the last incident, I’m on a 2 year probation period.

Recently I am devoting my time to prayer and often study the Bible. I want to turn my life around and I seek redemption. In the past I liked writing and photography so I figured I could become a freelance reporter like Spiderman and Superman. Both Peter Parker and Clark Kent have regular jobs, both work for a newspaper. I do have my heroes.

I read about the student protests in Paris and thought to myself that that would be a great opportunity to start my career. Get close and photograph rioters during the day and at night. It’s a bit risky though not like an active warzone such as Ukraine. I read about a brave woman called Martha Gellhorn who was a stowaway on a boat to report D-Day. I’m not sure if I have that kind of courage but in attempting to do great things we discover ourselves.

If all goes well this year in rehab is almost over. I am thinking of going to University in the summer for either Cultural Anthropology or History. Maybe just one year, to add some legiticimacy to my resume, build a network, learn new things, and become familiar with critical thinking and the scientific method. It could really propel my career as a freelance reporter so that established newspapers will want to cooperate.

I’ve never done any serious reporting, but I have written about my life and published some short stories via Facebook. My work (photography) has been acknowledged with an exposition in this city. There was some bubbly fake champagne. Concerning becoming a freelance reporter, I look at Hunter S Thompson who was familiar with drugs and laid the foundations for Gonzo-journalism. Written from a personal perspective with social critique and the use of sarcasm. There’s a little-known comic about a reporter called Spider Jerusalem which I read years ago. It was very dark, satirical, and contained lots of drug use. At the time I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Here, in this clinic I have plenty of time to ponder and reflect. I have to make choices concerning alcohol and drug use and be adamant about it. I made a leap of faith concerning my career as freelance reporter and started to read the news diligently such as the webpages of newsoutlets like BBC and CNN to track global developments and stay up to date. I love the Dutch newspaper NRC and subscribed. On top of that I discovered the New York Times as a potent source of information and subscribed to that as well.

That’s it! Just a quick update on where I’m at and a little insight into what I’m aiming for in the not-too-distant future.